part 2
‘there was silence,
deafening silence.
silence so loud i could hear the beating of my heart and the thousand thoughts colliding in my head.’
i couldnt endure it anymore,
i took off my headset and moved away.
it wasnt unusual that one of us left our headset when we didnt have a call. sometimes i would have a walk around the office or go and make another cup of steaming, black, sweet coffee to keep my brain alert for the next hour.
but this time my phone buddy looked up with concern all over her face.
we had done training and many, many night shifts together. she was the best to be on night shifts with. we had this unspoken understanding and mutual connection.
she sensed that something wasnt right - she was right.
she put one thumb up, one thumb down.
she got two thumbs down in return
and i had to turn away.
this was my first suicide call since id started live on the phones.
i dont know exactly how, or why, i ended up as a listening volunteer.
im not sure it matters but for a while id been thinking about giving something back to a community.
in some way i wanted to contribute.
i was at a time in my life where i was experiencing some challenges; identity, purpose, what the fuck was i doing and where was i going. that sort of thing. i was cruising in my day job and needed something else.
so here i was on this night shift listening to jim. who, as far as i knew, had just left our call to end his life.
my training was world-class
my colleagues incredible.
we each came from many walks of life bringing our unique experiences to the role.
‘dump them at the door’; pre-conceived notions were not a requirement.
we mastered how to use language; hear the unsaid words, be clear, direct and ask the difficult question;
‘have you ever felt like committing suicide?’
understanding the skills of being empathic without offering advice, suggestions or solutions.
realising how to interact fully through calls, face to face visits and answering emails - no matter how long they might take.
we learnt how, and why, to listen to verbal abuse and ‘sex callers’.
to engage with people who were less able physically, the housebound and the bed -bound and acknowledge people with mental health issues, poverty, homelessness, alcoholism and drug addiction.
to hear abusers and the abused.
training was as real as it could be.
local actors came in to be callers - to role play. they were exceptional; professional and thorough. researching the roles, reliving each situation with authenticity.
we became conditioned to stretch ourselves, challenge assumptions, develop appropriate responses and inspired to begin.
but you knew you were practicing.
thats why we all agreed the first time is the worst. different from anything id ever experienced.
a world apart yet not unexpected and it was bound to happen
but where do i go from here?