‘dave. i am going to go now’ jim bluntly said.
it was not unexpected but internally it smacked me like a blow to my chest; the sort of thump that kicks the wind clean out of you leaving you gasping for oxygen.
we had been talking for a while that night. i sensed he was tired.
tired of talking,
tired of running,
tired of not sleeping and the cold damp winter on the pavement,
tired of life.
‘what do you mean? your battery is dying?’ i asked him.
this was more of a reflexive response to his statement than a question. i understood the meaning behind the words.
earlier in the call we had discussed him ending his life.
he said he had considered it many times in dark days and nights.
he wanted to.
i respected his decision. no judgement. i listened and heard him. empathy not sympathy.
‘no. i mean its time to go.
nobody will notice if im not here. so what is the point in delaying? i am just wasting your time here tonight by talking. your the only person i have spoken to for days. i have no-one to say goodbye to. except you’
‘jim. your not wasting anyones time. its why i am here - listening when you want a place to talk. i have ‘big ears’.
i heard him chuckle; it sounded like a laugh but i could have been wrong.
‘are you sure nobody will notice. you have no-one that will be upset that your not around. no-one that will miss you?’ i said.
‘no. they are all long gone. everyone has got fed up with listening to me. i stole, i drank, i messed myself up, i lied. i don't blame anybody for not listening and going away. i don't want you to feel pity for me dave.
thats where it is,
thats what it is,
thats life.
or not.’
his anguish and sadness where palpable down the phone. physically i felt his despair. i had been in too many conversations like this. the small hours were popular with people reaching out to share with friendly strangers. a lot of people felt the same as he did.
there was a quietness between us. we were separate but close. neither of us dared to take the next breath and start the next sentence. i felt fear.
‘are you there jim?’ i asked.
‘yes im still here - but i am hanging up now.’ he sounded strong, determined and resolved.
‘okay. if your sure? if you need to call back you can’
‘okay.’
there was silence.
deafening silence.
silence so loud i could hear the beating of my heart and the thousand thoughts colliding in my head.
You have a gift of transporting us with your words. Felt like I was there with you and listening to Jim on the other end of the line. I hope wherever he is he found peace ❤️
We have to find ways back to each other...and it starts with me. Thank you for this Mick